my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I fill condoms, not promises.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
