I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Randomize
