The maid of honor just puked.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
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