I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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