Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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