He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I deserve this hangover.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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