Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
