I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
