I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
