can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
