My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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