I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
