goodnight i made you a song goodbye
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
