i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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