i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
