i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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