'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
