I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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