somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
