Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
