You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, thereās still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
