made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
