do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
