hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
