My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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