he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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