i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
