when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
