so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
