Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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