Cold hands, warm shart.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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