The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
