We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just found a bag of teeth...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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