i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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