i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
