plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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