he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
