You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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