I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
