i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
