pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
