I wanna bring you to show and tell
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
