i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
