Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
