i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
