Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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