They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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