dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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