why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
