My hand turned me down
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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